Will that be business, or pleasure?

So tomorrow, I step on an airplane for the first time since I got married 33 years ago. I've heard things have changed a bit since the last time I went flying...

Thank god for Boyfriend - he's got luggage, and it all fits the legal requirements. Plus, in imitation of how he does things, I started packing last week, with the result that there is no last-minute panicking about anything.

Now all I have to contend with is my own personal panic, which, as most of you know, is an ongoing story...

Let's see... the first scenario I came up with was some pervert wanting to strip-search my Daughter, since she's beautiful. Stepson had told me about the time he and Stepdaughter flew out west to see their aunts. Stepson looks the part of the shifty-eyed ne'er-do-well: wrinkled clothing, two day's growth of beard, a heavy smell of cigarettes permeating his aura. Stepdaughter, on the other hand, is clean, well-dressed, and cute.

Stepdaughter got searched. Going, and coming. Nobody bothered to look at the Lout. But everyone wanted a poke at the cute woman.

I've heard a lot about these newfangled x-ray machines, about people's suspicions it's just another way for men to look at naked women under the guise of protecting the world from terrorists.

So you see, I'm convinced Daughter will get searched, just on principle.

Next panic: what are we going to do?

That was a question my Cousin asked me. See, I grew up with this family, I know exactly what we're going to do. We're going to sit and talk. We're going to make supper, and clean up. And then we're going to sit and talk some more. We're going to repeat ourselves. We're going to go to bed, then get up in the morning and do the same thing all over again.

Eight days! What a thrill!

The latest panic came to me when I pictured the U.S. Customs Official asking me, while looking at my passport, whether I was travelling for business or for pleasure.

Well, let's see. My father and his wife are in their 80s. They both have alzheimer's. My dad's been ornery all his life, which the alzheimer's is exasperating, and my stepmom is now "confused."

We'll be staying in the house with them and my stepsister and her husband, who I don't know very well but have spoken to on the telephone about six times in my life.

My stepsister suggested we come down while Momma and Poppa still know who we are.

I saw on Daughter's FB post that one of her friends said something about the French Quarter. Hah! We're not going anywhere near that! We'll be going to the intersection of nowhere-to-go and nothing-to-do! I even looked up dining establishments on the internet, in the hopes of taking my family out for a change of pace. The list is a who's who of international cuisine: Subway, MacDonalds, IHOP... All of a sudden going to the grocery store looks pretty exciting by comparison.


And don't forget church. We'll get asked to go to church. Oh, I'll drive them there, and I'll pick them up. And I'll go in afterwards and let all their friends hug me. But no, I'm not going to church. It interferes too much with my grip on reality.



And heaven help us if somebody starts to talk politics.


Have I mentioned Daddy's satellite dish - that he's blanked out all the channels with parental restrictions on? Discovery, A&E, TLC - these are all a distant memory. On one channel, some advertisement showed cleavage, and Daddy turned it off. On another channel, whales were seen to be mating. On a third, someone said "Damn." Off, off, off.


So, no tv. Unless you want to watch the religion channel. Benny Hinn. No matter that his scams outnumber the scams in the house of representatives... Mother and Daddy don't have the internet, so they don't know about that...


And no drinking. Nobody drinks alcohol down there. No wine, no beer, no liquour.


Nothing, in other words, to alleviate the stress at all, or lighten the mood one iota.
I'm hoping to be able to give my stepsister a break for a couple of days, and care for my folks with the help of Daughter, and my finger on speed dial to my stepbrother, whose wife is a registered nurse...

So, "pleasure" is a far cry from the truth, but you shouldn't lie to a Customs Official! 


Hopefully we will have a few pleasant moments in all of this. Hopefully we will connect with my folks and be able to enjoy their company for eight days, and help out, and make friends with my stepbrothers and stepsisters. Hopefully it will be a good visit. Because it may very well be the last.