Presents...

Why?

Why do I want presents for christmas? I don't really even celebrate it much any more! I still believe it is better to give than to receive...but part of me remains a five-year-old inside and wants MORE!!!!!

One year, back when I was seeing a therapist on a regular basis - let's call him J - I was moaning about only having one hundred dollars in total for christmas presents for my Daughter, who was still quite small at the time. He asked me if the quantity of gifts was more important than the quality - and I replied Of Course!

I'm a child of divorced parents, and my mom was prevented from seeing me much of my life, through absolutely no fault of her own. She used to send me boxes and boxes of gifts for Christmas, and it was definitely magical!

In fact, that probably accounted for most of my contact with her through my younger life.

I think I felt, when I saw the heaps of gifts for me under the tree, that yes, she did love me, after all.

"They" say that one's personality is set by age five, and I guess that did it for me. To me, MORE gifts is definitely BETTER, and mean more LOVE.

My brain knows this isn't true. That presents don't equate with love.

(Except at Christmas, of course!)

I've been wrestling with this for some time now. Because I look around this house and see no room. No room at the inn! No room for any more THINGS. We are chockablock! And there is absolutely nothing we need - for which all three of us are quite thankful!

Why then, do I drop hints about "bling?" Since The Guys split the cost of my birthday presents, I somehow worked it out in my brain that that meant they could give my something HUGE for christmas! Very, very large, and very, very shiny!

But I don't NEED anything!

And when I'm giving, I don't want to give people things they NEED! I want to give luxury items, fun things. Well beyond what I can afford, as well.

Because that means more love.

And yet I'm the first one to complain about giving stupid gifts to people I barely know. About keeping the list of givvees to a minimum. I don't exchange gifts with half the people I love.

But for the ones I do exchange with, it's got to have a "wow!" factor.