Lookin' Good

Ah, what price, beauty?

I am writing this, coffee mug at my side, as I wait for the peroxide, and other environment-killing harsh chemicals, to work their magic on my tired old hair and turn me into a raving beauty in approximately 25 minutes.

Taking years off my look, and probably my life as well. Statistically speaking, women who color their hair have higher rates of cancer. Reds are the worst - that's why I went golden brown, FYI.

But I wonder who "they" are getting these stats from, because I don't personally know a single woman who DOESN'T color her hair, once she reaches her forties. Some of us stop - I did, for a while... Decided to embrace my inner crone, look my age, knew I could be beautiful without the addition of streaks, or even what they're now calling "monocolor"...

("Monocolor", for the benefit of the ladies who might chance to read this column, is simply hair color by another name. Today, you see, it's not enough to put one color in your hair, you have to add highlights. A second, third, and fourth color is often required. Sort of like the new razors. I remember when Bic came out with a disposable razor, and then when they added a second blade. We're up to "Mach 3" now... I wonder how long they'll play this card...)

Then I got a good look at myself, and the rest, as they say...

In all the tv ads, in all the posters and pictures and movies that surround us, the models have glorious, shiny hair. No matter how long the hair is, there doesn't appear to be any breakage. It's sleek, bouncy, flowing, silky, soft to the touch...

And you don't get that from nature. What you get from nature is split ends, grey hair that is the texture of fishing line, or electrical wire, and lots and lots and lots of breakage.

It takes CONDITIONER, folks, to give your hair that shine. Mousse to make it bounce. Cream to smooth the broken ends into the rest. Spray, mist, milk, gel, foam, special brushes, special combs, and god-knows-WHAT, to make your hair look like that. Oh, and a good airbrushing doesn't hurt.

Personally, I find the only conditioner that makes my hair beautiful comes in the package of l'Oreal Superior Preference hair coloring.

Yes, that's l'Oreal, the one that tests on animals...

Yes, I am a complete and utter moral failure. But I digress...

Around about the same time as I began, once again, to color my frizzy locks, I began to take an interest in my skin, specifically the skin on my face. The bulk of my skin (no pun intended) is not available to the viewing public. However, the skin on my face is out there front and center every day, and it was scary...

I know just how ugly I are
I know that my face ain't no star
But still I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind it -
It's folks out in front get the jar!

I began in general to improve my appearance. Who knows the ugly truth behind whatever hidden reasons I did so: for some people, this is part of grooming. Something basic, something simple, something you learn to do every day before you're a teenager. Taking some pride in your appearance.

Giving a shit.

Well, one thing I HAVE learned, is that this looking good is an expensive business! No wonder all the tv ads say "Because you're worth it!" They're trying to con us out of our money, for sure, and desperately trying to convince all of us that we need to spend megabucks on our appearance, in order to be accepted just in general, never mind by Mr. or Ms. Right! And if you're trying to attract members of the opposite sex, baby you've gotta be "hot!"

Besides the lotions and potions and colors and dyes and powders and creams and gels, there is clothing to purchase. Oddly, the most expensive items are usually the ones that, again, the viewing public doesn't actually get to view: underwear. Specifically, the undergarments that hold a woman's boobies up...

... off her stomach, when you reach my age.

Sigh. Gone are the days of the "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder". Nothing is casual now.

Gone are the "Cross-your-heart" bras of my mother's day. No more "When I'm looking good, I feel good, and when I feel good, I look GREAT!" (Extra points for you if you can remember the tune!)

Virtually unknown and extinct is the sports bra - ironically, in this particular day and age of the "health and fitness" fad.

Oh no, we shall have underwires, ladies. (Just for fun, I would love to see someone invent an underwire ball-holder for a man to wear during HIS business day, and see how long he could go without being "bitchy"...)

Today we have what I choose to call the "goddess" bra. It's colorful, it's molded foam (no doubt chock-full of formaldehyde), it's straps are meant to be seen, and it has a major underwire.

I discovered this type of bra when I went into my fave store with intent to purchase a new bra. The saleslady took my choices quickly away, and instead pressed firmly into my hands a totally new size, in the molded cup style. I told her it wouldn't fit. I told her she was nuts. I told her a different saleswoman, from this very establishment, had fitted me before with the sizes and styles I had picked. Finally, I put it on, to show her just how wrong she was...

... and was BLOWN AWAY by the reflection in the mirror. OMG! A GODDESS was staring back at me! She took my breath away! Imagine what she could to do an unsuspecting MAN...!

I bought 8 of them.

(Well, each "second one" was 40% off, and you need to have enough of them to wear a clean one every day...)

My god, if I'd had one of these in my twenties, no one would have stood a chance!

For the members of the hippie generation, I must remind you all that though, yes, what's on the INSIDE is way more important, you've got to get someone to want to look there if you're ever going to find that lover/friend/significant whatever...

You may be a delicious steak, but ya still gotta SIZZLE, babe!

Perhaps, if my Mom had been able to raise me, none of this would seem so strange and unusual to me. I never saw my Mom look frumpy, till she became unable to care for herself, which was very shortly before her death. Up to that point, she was always neat, clean, well-groomed. Always had her hair taken care of, always put on her makeup, did her nails, pressed her clothing.

Perhaps, if she'd brought me up, I would have learned these skills at far younger an age. I'm 52 now, and a simple thing like coloring my hair or buying underwear is for me an agony of indecision rife with guilt, whereas, as I have said, for most people, it's simple grooming.

"Don't ya know about the new fashion, honey?
All ya need are looks, and a whole lot of money!"
Billy Joel

Yes, looking good costs money, lots of it. And it takes time - lots of it - out of your day. It's no wonder that young working couples with children have no time to learn to cook their own meals! I'm still stunned that so many people I see on the bus every morning are so well-dressed, so well made-up, and have DRY hair... Unlike me, whose hair is still wet from the morning shower...

All this stuff takes time, planning, thought, energy.

The question is, is it worth it? Aye, there's the rub. It takes me ages to look my best. I have to plan days in advance what I'm going to wear, make sure the underwire that matches the blouse will be clean on the exact day... I have to plan to not drink coffee the night before, so I'll be able to get up early enough to get my hair dry AND styled... And have adequate time to stay calm, unhurried, so I'm not sweating off the makeup as I attempt to apply it! To leave my house by 8 a.m., I have to get up at 5, and keep moving without pause, if I'm going to look my best. That's three HOURS out of my life. (I'm pretty sure no MAN has ever had to put that much time into his looks, even if he shaves his balls!)

Gender inequities aside, each of us has to decide whether all this fuss is worth it. Whether looking this good actually makes me feel better about myself, actually helps my self-esteem, actually makes people want to be in my company, at least long enough to discover my quirks...

And even though it's a major undertaking (oh, no pun intended!) for me to get to the point where I'm satisfied with how I look, by gum, I'm going to keep at it for the conceivable future... Maybe one day it won't take me so long, maybe it'll always be difficult...

But I'm going out trying to keep up appearances.