Looming Large

I did something different this morning while having my coffee - I turned on the telly to see what early morning programming was like. Usually the earliest I put the tv on is noon - when Star Trek comes on. This morning I thought I'd have a look and see what other people watch.

I didn't last long. There was a brief recap of where each of the party leaders would be campaigning today. That in itself is stomach-churning stuff: Harper seems determined to ruin Canada at any cost, and since he "united the right" a few years ago, nobody on the left seems able to rise to stop him. The spectre of our humane, sane and sober country being laid waste by this corrupt, greedy and intolerant "government", our social programs slashed mercilessly, is a terrifying possibility.

This was quickly followed by an update to a war going on somewhere - probably Libya - with an image of something being blown up in a terrible explosion..."Wars and rumors of wars" indeed, straight from the book of Revelation.

I quickly turned the tv off. The words of one of my doctors rings so true: "A certain amount of denial is necessary for everyone to get through the day."

Yesterday we were greeted with the news that Japan is going to dump radioactive waste water into the ocean, this to prevent a bigger catastrophe on the land.

When, oh when, will mankind ever learn that nuclear power is simply too dangerous to use?

Am I too sensitive? My personal zone of safety seems pretty small these days. I didn't even get through a five-minute newscast before the threat of ulcers made me turn it off. This is par for the course. The world is simply too frightening a place! So I dig myself in, in my basement apartment, curled up on the couch or, more likely, hiding under the covers.

I've got a move coming up, I should be organizing stuff, editing my belongings, packing... But I'm overwhelmed before I even start, standing helplessly staring at shelves and piles, wondering what in the world I'm going to do with all this stuff. I feel as helpless about it as I do about the situations in the world. Personal "power" is also apparently at an all-time low.

My Daughter is moving to Toronto. Six months ago, she was talking about having babies, she was in a relationship with a great guy, living in a house, two cars - the works. Now she's facing an uncertain future tending bar while hoping for her "big break" in her acting career, on her own with no safely net. She's going to be in Toronto before I even move this summer. There is nothing I can do to help her or make her way easier or safer, and it churns me up inside. What kind of a mom am I? Should I be encouraging her? Dissuading her? Am I failing her somehow by doing neither? What the heck am I supposed to do in this situation?

It certainly seems that no matter which topic I pick, which way I turn, my personal level of helplessness is staring me in the face.

.......

Update on weight loss: (good news, I think)

I've played internet doctor this week and it seems that weight loss may be a side effect of one of the meds I'm on. The blood tests showed no cancer markers. So I will be discussing the results with my doctor, but for now I am tentatively hopeful. I will manage a weak smile.