Whether it was because my grandparents, themselves survivors of the Great Depression, taught me to be extra thrifty, or because I never learned how to dress myself fashionably, or because I've never given my wardrobe a second thought, I have missed out on the art of finding something to wear.
I watch "What Not to Wear." I take mental notes of people with body shapes like mine and what suits them. I have even steeled myself to the fact that I may have to drop big bucks on various items.
But despite a 2.5 hour long search through the mall today, and all the sales, I still came home with nothing.
Well, I may go back after some reflection, but nothing leapt off the shelf at me, which did come as a bit of a disappointment, after all. I had dressed up for a winter walk, waddled ALL the way around the mall, looked in 5 different shops. The only things I tried on were shoes, which I had not gone looking for, but which I need anyway.
I did see some nice tops, which is what I was looking for. I have a lot of tops I don't wear. They're polyester, which makes me sweat. Or the neck opening is too big and I feel like I'm in danger of catching a cold, even in summer. Or the v-cut is too deep and shows my bra, which may be nice on a knockout 20-year old like my Daughter, but on me it tends to look like I'm too stupid to realize my underwear is showing, "Pair auld wumman..." sort of thing.
So I'm looking for something in a 2x size, which right away cuts out 80% of the merchandise available. Designers never go larger than XL, if they even go there at all. And designers for plus-size women (80% of women, in other words) seem to think that we all enjoy exposing ourselves. It's not like our heads are any bigger than any other woman's head, for crying out loud! What's with these tent-sized necks?! Giving new interpretation to the phrase "Boat Neck" or "Crew Neck." Hey - we live in the bleeding Arctic circle here! Can we not have a normal neck opening? Our heads are not the size of beach balls! And forget wearing a scarf - I've already got big boobs, I don't need to drape yet more fabric on top of them. I just want to cover the damned things!
Once I do find a top with a normal opening, it's usually got hideous markings all over it, or 3D flowers or flounces or some such other nonsense. Again, I'm already fat, I don't want to draw more attention to my chest area! Such things look great on size 2 models with no tits. We larger women look much better in clean, structured lines.
So that means all these soft, flimsy "sporty" tops look awful on us as well. All that drapey fabric looks great on windows, but only serves to accentuate every bump we've got.
So say I find a top with a normal neck and no outlandish decorations. Guess what - it's black! Yay! I'm in mourning!
And if I do manage to find one in a color, it's polyester and makes me sweat.
I'd pay for silk - if it had a nice small neck and wasn't covered in ridiculous appendages.
As I leave the mall, I walk past the men's wear and sigh with jealousy. Nobody ever puts pom-poms on men's shirts or cuts the opening down to the navel, and you don't see row upon row upon row of black shirts for men. And most of them are 100% cotton.
Who designs for plus-sized women, anyway? I can't fathom what they're thinking.
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