Decumulation

Decumulation - a word I had never heard before May of this year. It usually refers to the payout portion of one's pension savings. When you're working, you're a-cumulating. When you retire, you de-cumulate.

But decumulation has been on my mind since I learned it. I'm in the de-cumulating phase of my life, not just my pension!

I'm starting to let things go. Even lovely things that were gifts. Even things that were expensive. Even things I still cherish.

Not only is there no room here in this house for them, but I am acutely aware that in a limited amount of time I might be having to share a room with another old person and have one-half a closet and one set of drawers, and that'll be it for all my worldly belongings. Granted, I hope this won't happen for a number of (hopefully) healthy years! But, with Hubby being a hoarder, and the house being full of my Grandparents' stuff, and Stepkids' grandparents' stuff, and Daughter's stuff, and Hubby's stuff and Boyfriend's stuff...we're kind of packed to the gills, and could use a little breathing room!

But it's more than that on my mind lately. I've been decumulating some emotional baggage as well.

Some of the easiest feelings to let go involve failed relationships. Stuff I wish I had managed differently 30-50 years ago. See, with my mood disorder, the feelings stay fresh, like they just happened. I've been carrying around angst over poor choices for a long time, and I'm working very hard to let it go.

Harder than that though, is regret over harm I've caused. I always feel like I've just woken up and am pulling my head out of my arse and taking my first look at reality - the difference between what I was or was not thinking, and what I said and did.

Those are really hard to let go, because they were my fault, and no-one else's. I said and did hurtful things, no getting away from it. Grandpa used to say "word once spoken cannot be brought back with coach-and-six." For 30-40 years I've been trying to mentally make it better, replaying scenes where I caused someone pain, trying to change the ending. Nope, it doesn't work. I was a dick. And I can't undo it.

But I am trying to forgive myself and let it go. Because fretting over what I did in the past is only going to make me sicker, in which case I'll do something stupid again.

Hopefully I've learned from these mistakes. I can't fix them - lost friendships, relationships ruined - but I can manage not to make the same mistakes in the years I have left. I can be a better mother, friend, relative, wife.

It's very hard to forgive yourself when you were clearly in the wrong. But I must decumulate this baggage as well as the good stuff, or the weight of it will simply crush me.