A Strange Neighbour Am I

 I am, sometimes, what my grandfather would have referred to as a “queer duck.”

This phrase has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It has to do with strange behaviour. Today’s outing to the pharmacy is a case in point.

I appeared outside my home, walking to my car, sporting a Kleenex stuffed into both my nostrils. One of my neighbours spotted me and was apparently riveted by the sight. I do not know if anyone else saw me stumbling to the car with a thick white fluffy nose ring...but several drivers who passed me did. There was just enough time to witness the confusion on their faces as I made my way to the pharmacy.

You see, I have a breathing machine, a CPAP. It is a new one, purchased this summer to replace the old one whose motor had exceeded its lifespan.

This time I thought I’d try the nasal pillow mask, which has two little pillowy thingies you stuff into your nose, and the air from the CPAP blows, quite forcefully, up one’s nose to maintain air pressure and prevent sleep apnea.

It took some getting used to - previously I had used a mask that fitted over my entire nose. The nasal pillows are physically more comfy even though the stream of air feels mighty powerful. However I gave them a try.

And pretty much everything worked well. I found the airstream dried my nasal passages somewhat and increased the humidity, and everything seemed to work.

Till the night before last, when the water tank ran dry, and I slept through the night receiving dry air through the nasal pillows. With the result that, upon awakening and turning off the CPAP, I began to sneeze.

And sneeze.

And sneeze. All day, every five minutes.

And my nose ran like a tap - and I do not mean dripping!

I decided to give it a day and see if it would settle down on its own, which it did not, and slept without the CPAP last night, my nose stuffed with Kleenex so I wouldn’t drip, or sneeze all night.

As I awoke this morning and removed the packing, I suffered ten or more sneezes. I then called the company to get an appointment to see about getting the other kind of mask fitted to the new machine.

Then I consulted Dr. Google, looking up “nasal inhibitor.” And found that lidocaine is used to decrease nasal sensitivity, for example prior to inserting a feeding tube.

I found other quite different uses. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, for example, you can rub lidocaine on your member to make it less sensitive! But I digress...

I made my way to the pharmacy in search of a lidocaine spray or cream, and that is when my neighbour spotted me walking to the car with Kleenex stuffed up both nostrils.

A simple explanation perhaps...I had to explain it to the pharmacist when he asked why I wanted lidocaine. Of course my COVID mask was hiding the Kleenex from him, so I said “don’t laugh” and briefly dropped the mask so he could see my stuffed nose. I told him about getting all dried up and continual sneezing and he understood my purpose, and sold me the cream.

So my neighbours probably think me a little odd, which isn’t all that far from the truth. But there is always a reason behind my odd behaviour, even though it might not be immediately apparent to the casual observer!

And, incidentally, it’s working. Slowly. But I haven’t sneezed in over twenty minutes, so that’s an improvement!